Mom:
I have a boyfriend, and we've been dating for a while now and I think I'm in love. Our relationship is really great and I think I love him, but how can I be sure? How do you know when you're in love? Is there a certain age?
Sincerely,
Love Lost
Dear Love Lost:
It doesn't sound like you're lost, maybe just finding yourself. But we want to know more!
Do you have the heart-thumping, fireworks feeling? That could definitely be love. Or it could just be a very strong physical attraction that will burn off in a few weeks or months. Or do you have a deep connection, a wonderful friendship, but not the physical attraction, and you're trying to figure out if you'll grow into that? Probably not --- but maybe.
You're also asking whether there's minimum age to really be in love. In absolute terms, no. You can fall in love when you're five or 15.
But until you really know yourself, until you're comfortable and proud of who you are, not easily swayed by peer pressure, not interested in changing your looks or hobbies or views to please someone else - until you're unapologetically YOU and willing to accept others for who they are and not who you want them to be - only then can you be in real, true, good, reciprocated, lasting, healthy, awesome love. That's not to say you won't misfire a couple of times.
Under my real-love doctrine, it's not love unless the person you love loves your back and treats you like he/she loves you back.
But this is all vague, and you want rules or at least some guidelines, right?
Here are some:
-When you're days or weeks into a relationship, all you have to go on are your impressions of what a person is like; you're projecting what you think that person is like, and they're doing the same with you. You can't possibly know if it's love, so please resist the temptation to say "I love you." Find something else to say: "You're so hot," "I love being with you," whatever. You can't un-ring the bell.
-Six months is a good rule of thumb. If the relationship seems stronger and you're still as attracted after six months, it's probably love. If you're bored by then, or fighting a lot, it's probably not one for the ages.
-Do you turn to each other, or away from one another, in difficult times? When you have a cold, fight with family, experience loss or disappointment. Do you keep secrets from one another or can you tell each other anything? Are you always confiding in your friends about the relationship or do you find yourself keeping most juicy details to yourselves? The latter is a good sign.
-Do you like one another's friends or is it one-sided or do you lead completely different social lives?
You can be short on a lot of these fronts and still have a wild, passionate love affair that will rock your world and earn a place in your memoirs some day. But if you're asking about love-love, time and tests you can't possible foresee will bear out what you've got together. If you're enjoying yourself now, though, you're off to a good start.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Can she ever wear a bikini again around Mom and Dad?
Dear Mom:
I got my belly button pierced about two weeks ago for my 18th birthday... but I didn't tell my parents; my dad's all like "Your body's a temple," yada yada yada. Anyway, I'm worried it's infected, and I'm not really sure what to do!
What do I do?!
-Pierced
Dear Pierced:
Your dad sounds pretty cool. But seriously . . . the tough thing about turning 18 if you come from a nurturing, close-knit family is that it can be hard to know when and how to pull away, when it's okay to start making choices for yourself without seeking pre- or post-approval.
Are you supposed to announce to them: "I'm now an adult and will begin doing things without consulting you" or what? How do you flip the switch from being a kid to being a grown-up? The truth is, you can't sharpen this instinct overnight. It's more likely to be a progression of independent decision-making over time.
The belly-button piercing is actually a great practice run for you. It's an adult choice in the sense that it's your body and seems like a big step to be taking without telling your parents. On the other hand, it affects only you and probably isn't going to change the course of your life one way or another. If you decide later that you don't want it, you can just take out the stud. You get the point.
So. You've made an adult choice, and now it's time to act like an adult about it. If you're worried it's infected, you can certainly figure out what to do without asking your parents. Go back to the place where you got it pierced and ask them how to clean it. Or go online and read about proper cleaning. Salt water? Antibiotic ointment? Or just soap and water?
If it seems like more than superficial swelling and you're truly concerned, call you doctor and make an appointment to be seen. That's what your parents would do for you if you asked them to help. You're 18 now and they probably have your insurance information on file. You can make the appointment yourself.
Admit it: Part of you wants to show your parents the piercing. Now ask yourself why. Is it because you truly fear you'll develop a terminal belly-button infection if they don't intervene? Or because you still crave their support? And have you shied away from showing them because you fear their judgment/disappointment? Or because you want to push yourself to make choices on your own, without them? Any of these answers are okay, but being honest with yourself about the truth will help you to stand on your own. These are the bigger questions here, and they'll revisit you with future choices about dating, religion, lifestyle, career choice.
As you grow more confident in your newfound independence, it will gradually become easier to decide what to share with your parents and what to decide not to share - each on its own merits, without that awkward mix of uncertainty, shame and defiance that still has a way of hanging like a cloud over your moves now.
There's one possibility we haven't discussed: You deciding not to show your parents the piercing and them noticing it anyway and reacting negatively. Like "OH MY GOD WHAT'S THAT?" If that happens, you can simply say, "That's my belly button ring. It was my 18th birthday present to myself." Don't apologize. Don't become defensive. Don't cry. Don't yell. Don't feel the need to explain and try to cajole them into deciding they like it after all or that they need to praise you. If your response shows them you are confident and cool-headed and not asking for their approval, they may just gain a newfound respect for you. And if they freak out anyway? That's another test of adulthood. Coming to terms with the fact your decisions won't always please people you care about, and being okay with that.
I got my belly button pierced about two weeks ago for my 18th birthday... but I didn't tell my parents; my dad's all like "Your body's a temple," yada yada yada. Anyway, I'm worried it's infected, and I'm not really sure what to do!
What do I do?!
-Pierced
Dear Pierced:
Your dad sounds pretty cool. But seriously . . . the tough thing about turning 18 if you come from a nurturing, close-knit family is that it can be hard to know when and how to pull away, when it's okay to start making choices for yourself without seeking pre- or post-approval.
Are you supposed to announce to them: "I'm now an adult and will begin doing things without consulting you" or what? How do you flip the switch from being a kid to being a grown-up? The truth is, you can't sharpen this instinct overnight. It's more likely to be a progression of independent decision-making over time.
The belly-button piercing is actually a great practice run for you. It's an adult choice in the sense that it's your body and seems like a big step to be taking without telling your parents. On the other hand, it affects only you and probably isn't going to change the course of your life one way or another. If you decide later that you don't want it, you can just take out the stud. You get the point.
So. You've made an adult choice, and now it's time to act like an adult about it. If you're worried it's infected, you can certainly figure out what to do without asking your parents. Go back to the place where you got it pierced and ask them how to clean it. Or go online and read about proper cleaning. Salt water? Antibiotic ointment? Or just soap and water?
If it seems like more than superficial swelling and you're truly concerned, call you doctor and make an appointment to be seen. That's what your parents would do for you if you asked them to help. You're 18 now and they probably have your insurance information on file. You can make the appointment yourself.
Admit it: Part of you wants to show your parents the piercing. Now ask yourself why. Is it because you truly fear you'll develop a terminal belly-button infection if they don't intervene? Or because you still crave their support? And have you shied away from showing them because you fear their judgment/disappointment? Or because you want to push yourself to make choices on your own, without them? Any of these answers are okay, but being honest with yourself about the truth will help you to stand on your own. These are the bigger questions here, and they'll revisit you with future choices about dating, religion, lifestyle, career choice.
As you grow more confident in your newfound independence, it will gradually become easier to decide what to share with your parents and what to decide not to share - each on its own merits, without that awkward mix of uncertainty, shame and defiance that still has a way of hanging like a cloud over your moves now.
There's one possibility we haven't discussed: You deciding not to show your parents the piercing and them noticing it anyway and reacting negatively. Like "OH MY GOD WHAT'S THAT?" If that happens, you can simply say, "That's my belly button ring. It was my 18th birthday present to myself." Don't apologize. Don't become defensive. Don't cry. Don't yell. Don't feel the need to explain and try to cajole them into deciding they like it after all or that they need to praise you. If your response shows them you are confident and cool-headed and not asking for their approval, they may just gain a newfound respect for you. And if they freak out anyway? That's another test of adulthood. Coming to terms with the fact your decisions won't always please people you care about, and being okay with that.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The $64,000 (or hopefully more!) question
Mom:
My mom was a stay at home mom. My generation is different, and I always wanted to ask her what the best approach is for women to ask for more money in their jobs? It seems there are lots of successful young women, but that they lack the confidence their male colleagues have.
-Working in Washington
Dear Working:
Would it comfort you to know men go through this too? There are always examples of mediocre staff who somehow move up the food chain, hardworking people who get passed over and taken for granted, and charmed employees with a pedigree, swagger, great looks, a friend in management --- or perhaps just exceptional skill --- who pass everyone else by.
But even in places that consider themselves very forward thinking, there can be a latent sexism working against not just the younger women but all the women on staff. If this problem is too deeply woven into the culture of the company, you may do best to look for a job with another company. But first, let's walk through it.....
The main reason for a higher salary is more responsibility, so lay the groundwork to advance in terms of your job duties. Another reason is your profile/marketability. If someone else tries to hire you away or your bosses think someone might try, you have more leverage for a raise.
If you don't have one already, you should look for a mentor in your office or company. If there's a powerful woman at the company whom you admire, approach her in person or by email and tell her you are looking for a mentor and ask her if she would be willing to meet with you occasionally. Alternately, you can seek a male mentor in your office.
Also don't be shy about letting your supervisor know your short-term and long-term goals for advancement.
Finally, do your job well and keep learning new skills.
Without knowing your particulars, I can only guess at what's got you thinking about this. Do you work for a company where most of the managers and executives are men? Are men your age who do the same job better paid, or are the better-paid men older and more experienced (of course, salaries aren't supposed to be discussed in the workplace but this information or at least rumors of it sometimes has a way of getting out)?
Finally - there's no reason you shouldn't talk to your mom about this. She may have some useful perspective from her own experience working at home.
My mom was a stay at home mom. My generation is different, and I always wanted to ask her what the best approach is for women to ask for more money in their jobs? It seems there are lots of successful young women, but that they lack the confidence their male colleagues have.
-Working in Washington
Dear Working:
Would it comfort you to know men go through this too? There are always examples of mediocre staff who somehow move up the food chain, hardworking people who get passed over and taken for granted, and charmed employees with a pedigree, swagger, great looks, a friend in management --- or perhaps just exceptional skill --- who pass everyone else by.
But even in places that consider themselves very forward thinking, there can be a latent sexism working against not just the younger women but all the women on staff. If this problem is too deeply woven into the culture of the company, you may do best to look for a job with another company. But first, let's walk through it.....
The main reason for a higher salary is more responsibility, so lay the groundwork to advance in terms of your job duties. Another reason is your profile/marketability. If someone else tries to hire you away or your bosses think someone might try, you have more leverage for a raise.
If you don't have one already, you should look for a mentor in your office or company. If there's a powerful woman at the company whom you admire, approach her in person or by email and tell her you are looking for a mentor and ask her if she would be willing to meet with you occasionally. Alternately, you can seek a male mentor in your office.
Also don't be shy about letting your supervisor know your short-term and long-term goals for advancement.
Finally, do your job well and keep learning new skills.
Without knowing your particulars, I can only guess at what's got you thinking about this. Do you work for a company where most of the managers and executives are men? Are men your age who do the same job better paid, or are the better-paid men older and more experienced (of course, salaries aren't supposed to be discussed in the workplace but this information or at least rumors of it sometimes has a way of getting out)?
Finally - there's no reason you shouldn't talk to your mom about this. She may have some useful perspective from her own experience working at home.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Pee-pee-pants baby? That's what they do
Dear Mom:
What is the best age to potty train a young child? I saw a report the other day that had moms trying to potty train their 6-month-olds!
A Dad
Dear Dad:
Geez, talk about pressuring kids to perform at an early age! I don't see much reason to try before 18 months or age 2, and they may well be 3 or older before it takes. Your kids will have friends who learn before they do, and friends who are still sleeping in overnight diapers at age 7. And friends who pee in their beds in college, especially when they've been drinking. Please, please resist the urge to feel competitive about this. This is something parents certainly should feel comfortable talking about with their family pediatrician, and when your kids are this little you'll have plenty of opportunities throughout the year.
There are so many approaches to potty training. I recommend buying a plastic potty at around 18 months and putting it next to the big potty in their bathroom or the bathroom closest to the kitchen and dining room. In the morning, before bed, or after meals, put 'em on the potty and let them sit for a few minutes and then let them get up and leave even if nothing happens. You can use the big potty yourself at the same time, so that they'll want to imitate you. You can check out library books, buy books, or make up stories about kids going potty to get them thinking about it.
On weekends, or if you're a stay-at-home parent any day will do, you can try taking off their diapers for a couple hours at a time. Keep the portable potty handy and when you start to see them squat or look as if they're going to pee or poop, grab the potty and stick em on it. Know that you will not always get there in time and that will result in icky cleanups.
Do not get anxious, worried or angry with them if they don't get it, don't want to get it or laugh when they miss the potty. You will be tempted to lose your patience once they start pre-school because some pre-school programs will only take kids who are potty trained. But even then, they know kids will have "accidents," and you'll prepare for that by bringing a couple of pairs of spare underpants and outfits to school for them to keep in their cubby. If they're older than 3 and showing no signs of using the potty, you should be talking with their doctor about this, not criticizing them. If they're younger than 18 months but showing their own initiative in wanting to use the potty, you could encourage an early start - but don't mistake their wanting to please you for them actually caring about toilet usage.
Otherwise, relax. They'll figure it out in their own time. We all did.
What is the best age to potty train a young child? I saw a report the other day that had moms trying to potty train their 6-month-olds!
A Dad
Dear Dad:
Geez, talk about pressuring kids to perform at an early age! I don't see much reason to try before 18 months or age 2, and they may well be 3 or older before it takes. Your kids will have friends who learn before they do, and friends who are still sleeping in overnight diapers at age 7. And friends who pee in their beds in college, especially when they've been drinking. Please, please resist the urge to feel competitive about this. This is something parents certainly should feel comfortable talking about with their family pediatrician, and when your kids are this little you'll have plenty of opportunities throughout the year.
There are so many approaches to potty training. I recommend buying a plastic potty at around 18 months and putting it next to the big potty in their bathroom or the bathroom closest to the kitchen and dining room. In the morning, before bed, or after meals, put 'em on the potty and let them sit for a few minutes and then let them get up and leave even if nothing happens. You can use the big potty yourself at the same time, so that they'll want to imitate you. You can check out library books, buy books, or make up stories about kids going potty to get them thinking about it.
On weekends, or if you're a stay-at-home parent any day will do, you can try taking off their diapers for a couple hours at a time. Keep the portable potty handy and when you start to see them squat or look as if they're going to pee or poop, grab the potty and stick em on it. Know that you will not always get there in time and that will result in icky cleanups.
Do not get anxious, worried or angry with them if they don't get it, don't want to get it or laugh when they miss the potty. You will be tempted to lose your patience once they start pre-school because some pre-school programs will only take kids who are potty trained. But even then, they know kids will have "accidents," and you'll prepare for that by bringing a couple of pairs of spare underpants and outfits to school for them to keep in their cubby. If they're older than 3 and showing no signs of using the potty, you should be talking with their doctor about this, not criticizing them. If they're younger than 18 months but showing their own initiative in wanting to use the potty, you could encourage an early start - but don't mistake their wanting to please you for them actually caring about toilet usage.
Otherwise, relax. They'll figure it out in their own time. We all did.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Tell Mom what you think of the redesign
I've redesigned the page in preparation to take this thing "live" as they say.
Well..... not totally live yet. Before Ask A Mom does interactive Q & As, we'll start soliciting questions via email and posting the question and answer together. That will be the standing feature and the only feature until we get enough followers to hold a successful interactive session at a set interval, probably weekly for starters. We'll set up better mechanisms in the next couple weeks.
Meantime, email your question to margarettalev@gmail.com and Mom will post your question (but not your name) and an answer. Send any young adults you know (18 and older please) a link as well!
And if you're not already, click the "follow" button to the right to follow Mom, and "like" Mom on Facebook.
Thanks!
Well..... not totally live yet. Before Ask A Mom does interactive Q & As, we'll start soliciting questions via email and posting the question and answer together. That will be the standing feature and the only feature until we get enough followers to hold a successful interactive session at a set interval, probably weekly for starters. We'll set up better mechanisms in the next couple weeks.
Meantime, email your question to margarettalev@gmail.com and Mom will post your question (but not your name) and an answer. Send any young adults you know (18 and older please) a link as well!
And if you're not already, click the "follow" button to the right to follow Mom, and "like" Mom on Facebook.
Thanks!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Ask A Mom on Facebook
I've created a Facebook page for Ask A Mom. Pretty rudimentary for now, hope to work on it more later today.
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