Dear Mom:
I got my belly button pierced about two weeks ago for my 18th birthday... but I didn't tell my parents; my dad's all like "Your body's a temple," yada yada yada. Anyway, I'm worried it's infected, and I'm not really sure what to do!
What do I do?!
-Pierced
Dear Pierced:
Your dad sounds pretty cool. But seriously . . . the tough thing about turning 18 if you come from a nurturing, close-knit family is that it can be hard to know when and how to pull away, when it's okay to start making choices for yourself without seeking pre- or post-approval.
Are you supposed to announce to them: "I'm now an adult and will begin doing things without consulting you" or what? How do you flip the switch from being a kid to being a grown-up? The truth is, you can't sharpen this instinct overnight. It's more likely to be a progression of independent decision-making over time.
The belly-button piercing is actually a great practice run for you. It's an adult choice in the sense that it's your body and seems like a big step to be taking without telling your parents. On the other hand, it affects only you and probably isn't going to change the course of your life one way or another. If you decide later that you don't want it, you can just take out the stud. You get the point.
So. You've made an adult choice, and now it's time to act like an adult about it. If you're worried it's infected, you can certainly figure out what to do without asking your parents. Go back to the place where you got it pierced and ask them how to clean it. Or go online and read about proper cleaning. Salt water? Antibiotic ointment? Or just soap and water?
If it seems like more than superficial swelling and you're truly concerned, call you doctor and make an appointment to be seen. That's what your parents would do for you if you asked them to help. You're 18 now and they probably have your insurance information on file. You can make the appointment yourself.
Admit it: Part of you wants to show your parents the piercing. Now ask yourself why. Is it because you truly fear you'll develop a terminal belly-button infection if they don't intervene? Or because you still crave their support? And have you shied away from showing them because you fear their judgment/disappointment? Or because you want to push yourself to make choices on your own, without them? Any of these answers are okay, but being honest with yourself about the truth will help you to stand on your own. These are the bigger questions here, and they'll revisit you with future choices about dating, religion, lifestyle, career choice.
As you grow more confident in your newfound independence, it will gradually become easier to decide what to share with your parents and what to decide not to share - each on its own merits, without that awkward mix of uncertainty, shame and defiance that still has a way of hanging like a cloud over your moves now.
There's one possibility we haven't discussed: You deciding not to show your parents the piercing and them noticing it anyway and reacting negatively. Like "OH MY GOD WHAT'S THAT?" If that happens, you can simply say, "That's my belly button ring. It was my 18th birthday present to myself." Don't apologize. Don't become defensive. Don't cry. Don't yell. Don't feel the need to explain and try to cajole them into deciding they like it after all or that they need to praise you. If your response shows them you are confident and cool-headed and not asking for their approval, they may just gain a newfound respect for you. And if they freak out anyway? That's another test of adulthood. Coming to terms with the fact your decisions won't always please people you care about, and being okay with that.
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